Friday, January 24, 2014

Attitude Adjustment Needed

Did you know that last Friday was national Thesaurus Day? I don't have one anymore but I should as I  have run out of synonyms for cranky, bitchy, pissy, ornery, grumbly, etc. When I spoke with Catherine last night her comment was "I'm proud of you Bonnie for being assertive!"  What a lovely reframe! She was referring to my treatment of the second and third nurse who came out to instruct me on the new machine that checks my vitals at 5 am every morning (I picked the time, that is not the problem). "Look" I wailed, after the second lesson, "I have two masters and a doctorate, and I don't need three lessons on how to operate the stupid machine". The nurse seemed non-plussed and simply scheduled the third lesson for the next day.
So every morning now I press a YES button on a new grey and white contraption on my dresser which beeps out "Good Morning. Bonnie" in a singsong, saccharine voice. Pause, followed by little recorded tips on how to run my life, none of which interest me in the slightest. Then it instructs me step by step to take my blood pressure and pulse and later on to weigh on the big black scale provided, and it transmits it all electronically to some listening device in the sky.  What's stupid about this is my blood pressure has always been in the low to low normal range and my pulse is now set mechanically at 90 so the only thing that can vary is my weight, and good God, I can read a scale myself! Why doesn't it ask me if I woke with any transformative dreams? Or if I remember my last orgasm? Or tell me they have invented something new for toenail fungus? Or suggest how to get along with my constipated next door neighbor who won't let me cut the hedge? Or ask me what I think of the new revolations each day in the New Jersey government scandal.  It could even alert me that it is a high pollen day and I should wear a mask outdoors, but no, it wants to remind me I have the mind of a pre-schooler and need coaching on how to push yes and no buttons.
Ah, and please refrain from telling me I should have gratitude.  I DO have gratitude, especially to my friends and loved ones and Rachael Maddow who nightly demonstrates to me to how to confront injustice with humor and good hope, although even she sometimes gets too long-winded.

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