Sometimes a certain theme seems to run through my life. This week it is trust.
For this Balinese woman walking a country lane near Ubud balancing a heavy load on her head is something she has probably practiced all her life. Balinese women have studied temple dancing since childhood and they exhibit exceptional grace as well as spiritual centeredness. Still, she looks tentative, doesn’t she? Likewise, I once caught these dear Parisian dogs on the corner by my small hotel trying to decide the attractiveness of each other. Thinking about this dilemma as I waited for friend Carol to arrive this morning for coffee at the Rockridge café I thumbed though the local newspaper. The first page concerned property values and stated in bold letters “First Impressions Are Not Always What You Think.” Too much.
I confess. Trust has always been an issue for me. It probably comes from growing up insecure, for after all I am a depression baby, and WW2 hit when I was 11. Many times in my childhood my mother was not the Rock of Gibralter and my dad's death at 15 left me bereft. Many times I’ve perused this subject with my niece, Cheari, who has impeccable trust in herself, relying on research and personal experience. Such self confidence in believing in yourself is beyond my reckon and I envy it greatly. When I asked her thoughts on the subject she responded in part : “When I think of the word trust, I ponder whether it means trust in someone or something else, or in oneself, and my immediate thought brings me to a place of having trust placed in me. How often have any of us heard the phrase “I would trust him or her with my life”? She went on to say:
“For more years than I can count, my dogs and cats have trusted me with their lives, and ultimately with their deaths, although the consciousness of that resided in me and not them.”
Of course, as a psychotherapist I often dealt with the issue of partner/marital trust.Sadly it is an issue that touches many lives and I feel like I have experienced it deeply through the pain of others. Last Tuesday I woke shivering with summer fog swirling around and decided to skip the gym and curl up with the heating pad and a book, so downloaded on my kindle (bless it) Jaycee Dugard's book, which I finished by dark. One thing different about the book from the tv showings is how many times she spoke of her struggle with the issue of trust. But what is up for me right now is a more nuts and bolts issue. I’ve been toying with having my sixty -year old kitchen cabinets replaced, refaced, or refinished, and/or my yucky pink kitchen tiles replaced. I’ve had five different companies/designers here to give me ideas and bids. I’m exhausted with weighing one against another, as they all have something different to offer. I can’t trust my experience as I’ve never contemplated this before, and it feels like too much money and confusion to take a wrong path. I may end up doing nothing just so I can get a good night’s sleep without obsessing on who to trust.