Thursday, November 4, 2010
Open Wider, Please
Yes, doc, I’m ready, or at least as ready, at 80, as I think I could ever be. Incidently, do you like my black patent leather sandals, because I wore then especially today for this procedure. They slip off easily as you can see, in case I have to run to the bathroom. Just kidding, of course. Whereas I have procrastinated on this cavity for three years, I took time to use your bathroom on the way in. There shouldn’t be a problem, although at times age catches me unawares. By the way, your wallpaper in there is rather painterly, if a bit outdated, like me. I’m not sure I like this paper tissue hat your nurse made me put on. It feels like I’m going into surgery, or something. Not very becoming. Ah, yes, denial is one of my other character defects. Hold up, doc. Right now I’m pretending I’m at a pilates class. Inhale, Bonnie. Shoulders down. Gut sucked in. I’m usually excellent at following instructions, you know. Whoops, I almost forgot to exhale. But honestly, doctor, I just can’t open my mouth any wider, even though (tee hee) I have always had a reputation for a big mouth. And by the way, doctor, I’ve never seen a periodontist before, and I can’t say I like the name. Is it from a periscope or something? Up, periscope, down periscope. Is that scalpel your periscope? Which reminds me, my torso is getting more and more pear-shaped with every passing decade. Gotta do something about that. Another procrastination has caught up with me, I must admit. By the way, you said if this took you'd also be doing a sinus lift in February. Is that some kind of internal face lift? If so, could you please do both sides, because I don't want to walk around lopsided. So you were telling me that the material you will put in following the extraction is sanitized. Or was it pasteurized? Or did you say homogenized? Oh, now I remember, sterilized. Because, I’m curious. Do they sterilize it before or after its ground up? Do I have any choice of donor? Because I would prefer to know the source of the cadaver. I’m really an atheist, you know, but I’d prefer ground up bone from a Bhudist priest in Bali. I once saw the cremation of such a hallowed person, and boy, was I impressed. The whole small town celebrated. They danced and sang for hours. I’d like that. Perhaps you mix several sources together, and if that is the case, because I’m also a feminist, could you throw in a little feminist bone matter? This is another fantasy but I wish I could have some of Eleanor’s or Amelia’s. That gives me an idea, by the way. When I croak could some of my bones be donated for other folks dental implants? I’d love to have Hillary thinking of me with occasional swallows with heads of state. Heck, I might even settle for Nancy Pelosi. Upward and onward, you say?